After 17 years.
Some time into my third pregnancy, my husband started having severe head and neck pain. The child I was carrying then turns seventeen before the end of this year, so today could very well be seventeen years to the day since the pain settled in to stay. I’ve alluded to some of the difficulties of living with chronic pain in the pages of this blog (most recently: Speaking of Oil: Seed oil, even). In all of his years enduring this suffering, my husband has not complained. He has not given up. He has not become hard to live with, as many invalids eventually do. He has kept his despair, of which there must have been innumerable moments, entirely to himself and remained steadfast in husbanding this household. I have no idea how he’s even held down a job while suffering so much, but he has somehow excelled at it, and kept the family materially comfortable with the proceeds of his work.
He called himself an invalid, a ghost. I call him my hero.
After work, nearly every weekday for seventeen years, Jesse would collapse into bed, and try to sleep through the pain until the next day. On the weekends, he’d be ok for the early part of Saturday, doing what he could for the family, and then would be in bed until Monday morning, when he’d get up and do it all over again. Occasionally, he would have a whole good day, quite at random, as far as we could tell.
We tried every remedy we came across. Some things would seem to help a little, and then they’d stop. Some interventions (usually doctors’ pills and shots) made things worse. Nothing ever really helped. Eventually, we ran out of things to try, and we just got used to the pattern of pain.
We think we know what is the main cause of the pain. There are actually several things going on at once, and three different kinds of headache, to complicate things even more. People have always tried to be helpful, telling us what this person or that did for their headaches. This poor head simply doesn’t respond to any of the usual–or even unusual–treatments. We always tried to be patient when the suggestions from others became repetitive. We always hoped that maybe the next person to say something would have an idea that had a chance of working.
And finally, somebody said something that made a difference. Seventeen days ago (on the day I started writing this post), following the advice of my brilliant friends at Mad Scientist Goods, my husband started taking a supplement/compound known as PEA. That’s Polmitoethanolidontknowamide, for those who like a funny word to go with their pills. Well, heck. Where has this stuff been the last SEVENTEEN YEARS???
Turns out, it was there all along. It’s not new at all. I will not question why it took the Lord this long to show me this thing. I certainly have done enough research that I should have come across it long ago. But here we are now, finally, and this stuff seems to work! After all of the pills, injections, supplements, chiropractors, acupuncturists, prayers, anointings, and finally just submission to God’s will, Get Along Husband has been well for more than two weeks straight. Can I get a PRAISE THE LORD, friends?
Jesse doesn’t even have to take the PEA every day. Every third or fourth day does the trick. Whatever the problem is with his own chemistry, this compound takes up the slack and helps him beat the pain. He says it’s still there a little bit, but it’s faint, and easily ignored. He did have a scary day where he thought it was going to stop working, but it passed by the next morning without confining him to bed.
We’re having a hard time processing this, emotionally. I haven’t taken a meal up to our bedroom in seventeen days. My husband has been with us wherever we’ve gone. Every meal that he’s home, he’s at the table with us. He’s writing fiction at a frenetic pace, suddenly able to concentrate on his creative passions.
I really can’t state how different our lives are right now. I’ve been afraid to tell anybody about it! I’m scared to get too excited. I don’t know how it’s going to shake out. Is he just going to slip back eventually, like he’s done with every other thing that seemed to be working? Certainly none of them ever lasted this long, or worked this completely. After this many good days, I can’t help but have a great deal of hope that this really is the end of that season of our lives. (I’m also a little worried. With him around all the time to keep an eye on me, will I get away with my crazy shenanigans anymore?)
Praise God for this blessing with me, friends! Also pray for us to submit to whatever God’s will is going forward. We could be in a very exciting new place. There are so many opportunities for growth peeking over the horizon!
Or, and I hope you don’t take this as an expression of wavering faith, we may just be getting a breather before heading back into the Valley of the Shadow. I simply have no idea what to expect. I gave up trying to figure out what God is doing a long time ago. We’ve never not trusted Him for healing, and yet, we have had seventeen years of this. We have approached this with the understanding that sometimes God puts us in uncomfortable places for His own reasons. We’ve trusted that all of this would somehow work out for our good and for His glory. Kingdom work is going on in these desert places.
But, frankly and understandably, we would like to not go back. My most fervent prayer, after the prayer of praise, is to have that painful season of our lives behind us, and new challenges to face. It really was getting old.
Either way, God is working, guys! I know some folks who are in despair right now. Sleep deprivation, family members in the most pitiful of situations, chronic pain very similar to Jesse’s, difficult social and work situations, financial worries. I know it seems like it’s never going to end. I hope this helps you feel like there is still hope, even after years and years of trials.
Over the course of seventeen years, there’s been a lot of room for confusion and doubt. Is this a punishment? Has God decided that we should not have a normal life because we deserve it less than others, somehow? Do we have to work off some sin debt on this earth?
The answer is NO! Thank God, no. Read Psalm 103.
I’ve put in bold those verses that really minister to the hurting heart.:
Psalm 103, a psalm of David:
1Bless the LORD, O my soul:
And all that is within me, bless his holy name.
2Bless the LORD, O my soul,And forget not all his benefits:
3Who forgiveth all thine iniquities;
Who healeth all thy diseases;
4Who redeemeth thy life from destruction;
Who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things;
So that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment
For all that are oppressed.
7He made known his ways unto Moses,
His acts unto the children of Israel.
8The LORD is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
9He will not always chide:
Neither will he keep his anger for ever.
10He hath not dealt with us after our sins;
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11For as the heaven is high above the earth,
So great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12As far as the east is from the west,
So far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
13Like as a father pitieth his children,
So the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
14For he knoweth our frame;
He remembereth that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are as grass:
As a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.
16For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone;
And the place thereof shall know it no more.
17But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him,
And his righteousness unto children’s children;
18To such as keep his covenant,
And to those that remember his commandments to do them.
19The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens;
And his kingdom ruleth over all.
20Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength,
That do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.
21Bless ye the LORD, all ye his hosts;
Ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure.
22Bless the LORD, all his works in all places of his dominion:
Bless the LORD, O my soul.
I know that the Lord is not punishing us according to our iniquities, but that he is ready to heal us, when the time is right. If you’ve got some similar burden, cling to this Psalm. Memorize it. Hold it in your heart as I have learned to. He remembers that we are dust, and He takes pity on us.
I can’t say when or how, but I trust that He will bring you through your valley, as well.